How I show up

I only really show up with my best friend. I am not truly me with anyone else or anywhere else. I fake most things, especially who I truly am. With my friends I speak my mind and I’m not afraid to be loud and out there, but without them I am small. I am only a mere presence with a cold touch. I am not fueled with fire unless I am doing something I am passionate about. I am like a dead body, and man do I wish I was there already. I can’t ever really be myself, because I am scared to let people in and for them to see what’s going on. I’ve done that a couple times with a couple people, and I was treated as a problem who didn’t belong where I was. I’ve been neglected and used, and I am still trying to heal from that to this day. The worst part about that, is I wasn’t only neglected by other people, but I also neglected myself. That has broken me so badly. That is why I have shown up in bad relationships with friends and “lovers”, but none of that is real. I don’t really show up ever, and to me that is okay, because I don’t want to show up in the world unless it has to do with music, political stance, or writing. If not I am going to hide in the darkness of my mind and fake everything till the day I go.

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