Shame.

For me shame isn’t always a feeling it’s also the actions you make or do that come with it. I know when i feel shame i am often very distant and uncommunicative about specific topics or triggers that come along with the reasons i feel shame.

A thing I feel shame for often are the big and prominent scars I have on my left arm, legs, and stomach. Everyday I find myself trying to hide them, even from myself. When people point them out or ask what happened I often shut down and don’t know what to say. Sometimes I tell the truth depending on the person and tell them how they got there but i also lie about them saying something like “mean people put them there” or “i fell on gravel when i was young and it didn’t heal properly” and when i lie i just feel the most shame to ever come over me, I feel shivers and my heart sinks to my stomach. Not only am I shameful, I am embarrased by what I have done to myself for so many years thinking it won’t effect me like it has today and boy was I wrong. Another way it has affected me is don’t swim anymore like I used to. It was such a passion of mine but you can’t hide your whole body in a pool so I stopped.. I miss it often. I miss doing the things I love and not worrying about what other people will say or think. However even after all of the hurt cutting has brought me and my family I would not take it back. It has built me into the woman I am today and despite all the crap i’ve been through, I love who I am today and I spend everyday taking pride in who i’ve become no matter the trauma or hurt because i am who i am and i cant change that. I AM worthy of belonging, I AM worthy of love and hope. I am me no matter the shame.

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