showing up in fear

I’m always coming to school in fear knowing that i’m scared of not going to succeed in my school work I’m always stressing when I show up

I wake up and struggle to get out of bed in the morning I go down stairs from my cold attic to have a warm shower listening to my favorite playlist I get out my wet feet leaving little footprints on the cold floor. I’m back in my room getting dressed in my normal sweater and leggings putting on makeup and along that a fake smile and a fake personality.

In the car sitting in fear, fear going up my body holding back the tears trying to get the sick feeling out of my stomach before I get out of the car. Taking step by step out of the car fear in my face while I look at the school trying to prepare myself for another day of stress and fear of grade 11. Knowing I’m getting closer to graduation calming me down but then bang a big assignment on my desk and all my emotions coming back.

Sweaty hand and feet heart pounding out of my chest then I’m scared to fail. I go to my happy place it doesn’t work I’m crying on the inside after a long day of school. I go to work my happy place then im home and knowing I need to prepare for another day to force myself to show up.

I kiss my dog goodnight and lay there in silence until I pass out and dream for a better day.


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