I am feeling pretty happy. I just wrote some book spine poetry, volunteered for the dunk tank thingy, and started editing the short story and/or a poem or two. I’m excited for the dinner tonight!
That was dreary. I’m just going to go to sleep now. The food wasn’t even that great.
I’m looking forward to honour band practice today, as well as regular band practice. There’s also a math quiz today, in which I’m going to double-check everything! All in all, I think today will be a good day. I’m just not going to talk about work right now, I don’t really want to think about that.
My shoulder hurts a bit, but otherwise, I’m pleased with how both practices went. Grooving out to Arcade Fire’s album Reflector as I write this. I’ve been in a bit of a strategic mood today. I had a few ideas for potential changes/additions to the curriculum in regard to stuff like post-capitalism and long-term cultural growth. Pretty cool, if I do say myself. I’ve also had a new spurt of curiosity in physics, both practical and theoretical. Still feel lonely, but I think I’m making progress with that.
Work was nice. Rescheduled January to have work every other weekend, instead of every weekend. I’m happy with that and excited to see what that opens up in terms of opportunities to spend time with folks. I do feel something along the lines of shame for that, which is strange. Perhaps that’s the natural consequence of working in a place full of people who have a work-life balance that resembles a vertical line. All-in-all, I’m grateful today for my ability to wait. It’s going to come in handy for now. It and hope.
That was a busy day. I’m actually writing this the day after because I had a nine-hour shift until eleven last night. Not much time for feeling or photo-taking. Was a good day for my bank account, though.
Slept in. Feeling well-rested.
Grandparents are visiting, and it has been nice to see them again. I’m looking forward to my performance tonight and hoping I don’t mess up horribly. I haven’t felt that big creative/nostalgic/inspiring/sad feeling in a while. I hope it comes back. Because you (dear reader) will be reading this, I have to explain what that is. ):<
The big creative/nostalgic/inspiring/sad feeling:
I don’t know what it’s called, obviously. It just stays with me in one slightly overwhelming moment, then gradually decays within 15 minutes. It has come with music once, after a shift at work twice, after a shower once, and during a midnight walk under an empty sky. Also, I love it. It feels so much larger than I am, somehow. A personal mystery and an invitation to dream. My hypothesis is that it is a relative of love and contentment. Maybe. I don’t care to know, frankly. Each time I enter one of its moments, I go numb (physically) and enjoy some deep self-reflection. I say unabashedly that I have started to weep or laugh or sing or just sit in it. I consider it a good friend.
It’s 10:00. I don’t want to be writing this, because I could be sleeping right now. The performance went well, though my sheet music (inevitably) crumpled up and prevented me from reading it. There was a macabre sight, though: a young, tutu-toting sister standing in the shadow of a pillar watching her older sister mime out what a professional dancer would do. Could be poetry material. Could also be wasted brain space.
Gathering the photos. I’ll write this later.
I did not, in fact, write it later. Whoops! I wish I could go on a walk right now. The trees are covered in frost and look quite pretty. They and the good ‘ol bi-monthly Kid A listen gave me a little scrap of the C/N/I/S feeling. It’s gone now. Duh. Why would I waste it writing a journal entry? If you couldn’t tell by the jaunty nature of this entry, I’m feeling upbeat. I’m looking forward to math, writing club, and board games on Jan. 2nd and beyond. Gotta thank the band Hey Rosetta! for the great backing track right now, their album Second Sight. I might even be in a good enough mood to listen to Bruce Cockburn.
Had a London Fog from Starbucks. It was good. I’m going to sleep now.
I don’t like how this morning went. I spent too much time on YouTube. Tomorrow will have to be better. Thankfully, I am waking up at a nice time (4:00) without an alarm now. All that’s left is to use that time well.
I wonder where I’m going. Music? Science? Teaching? I haven’t the foggiest.
Something’s missing, that’s what I feel like. Something’s missing, and I should try and find it. That, or make a replacement. Is that healthy? I suppose it almost is. Perhaps if I stopped caring about what I don’t have and started caring about what I can get. Perhaps what? What then?
Chill, Nevin. You’re sitting at your computer, writing about how you feel. Don’t get lost again.
Spent publishing stuff.
“Are we ghosts?”
If you hadn’t figured it out, this art journal is going to contain some of my inner workings. Things that not many people know about. I’m fine to share it online, though. I’m a bit tired of no one knowing me.
And with that foreboding preface out of the way, I’ll describe that first line.
“Are we ghosts?” is a line I wrote in my journal after someone who I thought was at least apathetic towards me smiled, waved, and said my name in a jovial manner while walking through the lounge. We were the only two people in the lounge, and I wondered if that was part of the reason why he did that. Furthermore, why I do things differently with certain people and who I feel most “true” with. Is that the extent of the little itty baby social world’s power over students’ behaviour, or is it less/more? For example, there are a handful of people I’d like to do things like board games or movie-watching with, but what do I feel prevents me from asking them? I recall when I’d tally who said thank you after I held open doors in grade nine. Statistically, girls said it more in general, while they are with others. On the flip side, boys almost exclusively said thank you alone. I don’t like to pull up arbitrary data points, and I don’t consider this to be conclusive of something, but I do think the phenomena has something to do with group dynamics and teenage masculinity.
Now, if we are ghosts, what are we making a crude outline of?
The easy answer: ourselves.
The hard answer: something I’m going to sleep on. Whack me over the head if I don’t write in the morning.
I think I’m a ghost when I’m at any of the bands. For some reason, I feel out of my skin there. I enjoy the music, but my interactions with the people feel utterly alien to me. Maybe I’m overanalyzing this. Most of what I do in band is either extreme towards my energetic side – running around, laughing a lot, being boisterous, or generally being hyper – or extreme towards my introspective side – in which case, I’m sitting in my chair with a constant scowl on my face and I’m thinking about identity, not interacting with anyone, or watching everyone with a closer eye. These are not the only things I feel and do in band, but they are the most prominent. I do not want people to see Nevin as either one on its own. Between rehearsals, though, I switch between them like a very moody teenager. Which, as we may be seeing, is part of what I am. Although, it’s not large or important enough to be what some of the few people I’d actually like to do things with see. I’d like to be able to express playful thoughtfulness, which is one of my favourite things to do. My guess is that band is not the ideal place to have that, simply because the class is about doing things, rather than discussing and thinking about things. Ack! It would be easier to get to know the folks there if I had an actual class with them.
Also, random aside, I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to play board games with a few old friends in January. That’ll be nice.
Got some good work done. Also, rehearsed Greensleeves. Avery and co. are still planning to perform it, even though it is not in shape whatsoever. Frankly, I don’t really care about the piece, but I do feel kinda bad for the others. Good ‘ol second-hand embarrassment. I haven’t thought about ghosts, but I have written a few more poems. I’m getting tired. Bolero may help. Bolero time!
I was too tired to write. Sorry!
The concert went well. I played everything correctly, and the band’s balance and tone were pretty good. Better, the quintet piece didn’t fall apart. I’m feeling a much happier relative of the C/N/I/S right now. Prospects are nothing but sunshine! Once again, the music helps amplify that feeling. I like the way that works. I have nothing deep and introspective to offer you right now. I should say that my relationships with the band folks are improving, tiny step by tiny step.
[feeling like Hey Rosseta’s Bandages]
Ah! I’ve been off track! Things are going well. I probably won’t get every award this semester, but I’ll have tried. My writing is going well. Sadly, there was no honour band today. Now, I have to get back to the short story.
At least I have an excuse today: I woke up at 11:30 and went to work at 1:00. Thought a lot about what I’m capable of doing based on what I’ve done and set up for. It made me realize the advantage I have for the Governor General Award: the Becoming Human Project! Looks like seventh-grade Nevin was right after all. I will attach a document outlining the Becoming Human Project, its projections, objectives, and results here. All in all, I’d like to make an argument for me doing more stuff than I have been. And also, I’d like to do something with the current Governor General Award candidates, like a separate project using our combined skills.
I woke up at 11:30 again, so there’s no morning entry today. I’m working on the Becoming Human Project doc, and feeling motivated to get shit done! I think I’ll optimize my life after I’m done. You know, normal people things.